I’m sure y’all have noticed a lot of changes on the site lately. I’m writing new pages, reorganizing content and collecting more people. You might be wondering why. Some of it has to do with our new project. Some of it has to do with the fact that I left that job I told you about so that I could spend more time with my family, on my school work, and on our Bleeping Amazing community. All of it has to do with the journey.
Some of you may not know, but I’ve been blogging since 2005 when my husband first went to Iraq. It started as “Growing Up Grainger” and then I moved to “More Than Military.” When I started with a new company several years ago, I started Bleep and blogged anonymously for years. It wasn’t until after Noah passed that I let people more people know about this site, frankly because I was too distracted to build a new one. I needed a place to get my story out and to keep all of you informed about how we were doing.
Obviously, it’s grown, and we just went “public” with our social media accounts, which was a HUGE, scary step. I feel extremely vulnerable and exposed right now. Until recently, only my friends on Facebook and a few other followers really knew about our story (or that’s what I like to tell myself). Opening up to the public about our journey is scary, SCARY stuff. But, it’s time. Thanks to those of you who have encouraged me to take this leap of faith and trust that I know what I’m doing. This is not easy and I wanted to share with you some of the scariest aspects of what I’m trying to overcome.
Judginess. I admit it. I used to be one of the judgiest people I know. But losing a child and moving your life in a different direction can be quite humbling, I assure you. Like everyone else, I worry what people will think. Am I grieving right? Am I honoring Noah? Will people scoff when I drop the F-bomb? Then there are the secret fears. Do people think I made a bad decision letting Noah drive that day? Do they think I am a bad parent, or worse, a bad person? Here’s the thing. Part of this journey is learning to accept and meet people where they are, to forgive me, and to BE myself. It’s uncomfortable and easy to fall back into the old habits of putting what everyone else thinks first. But I have to be comfortable and accepting of myself before I can help anyone else.
My personal journey into faith. Yes, I worry extensively that I will be judged by others when I talk about the “G” word. I did not grow up in the church. I have not been baptized. I didn’t start going to church until New Year’s Day 2013. Did I pray before that? Yes. Did I feel some things change on the days that I did? Yes. Do I consider myself a Christian? Yes. Do I have a lot of questions about things that don’t make sense in the Bible? Yes. Do I have even more questions about how such a kind and loving God could let this happen? My “Questions When I Get to Heaven” list is so long. Am I going to push my beliefs on other people? No.
But, someday, I will share what happened the day of Noah’s accident. An Unmistakable Devine intervention that has opened my eyes and gave us a tremendous gift. I have felt God’s peace and safety on this journey. He has protected my heart and helped me through some of the most difficult times when I could not take another step. I want to be able to talk about it but I feel unqualified in my knowledge to offer anything other than my experience of struggling with faith. And even telling you this much scares the crap out of me. But it’s where I am, and it’s who I am. So I’m just going to keep being me.
Trusting the path. I have made a very personal commitment to myself, to Gavin, to Dan, and to Noah to lead a meaningful, purpose-driven life. I’ve never done this before! It’s scary and hard. I want to retreat to my old ways of doing what comes easy. My inclination is to take that job that is “highly transferable” and a “good path for a military spouse.” This? Easing into an entirely different career and figuring out how to do it virtually? That’s the road less traveled. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to have to tuck my tail between my legs and go back to corporate America. I WANT this to work but feel like I have no clue what I am doing.
But every once in a while, I’ll get a boost of confidence from the tribe and realize that I *can* do this. I *do* have the skills, the voice, and the purpose. I just have to keep going after it. I have to TRUST the path, even when I can’t always see where it’s leading.
I cannot tell you how excited I am about what we are doing behind the scenes and what Bleeping Amazing is becoming. I am equally terrified at the same time. I appreciate this community of supporters so much. Thank you for staying with us as we start the next chapter of our journey.