I’ve been quiet because it’s has been hard. Every time I think I have a handle on my grief, I’m blindsided by tears that emerge from the deepest part of me—the mom part. The past couple of weeks, I’ve kept busy. Moving over from Caring Bridge was a big part of that. It’s a scary decision to put your business out there to the world. But, one of the many silver linings I’ve tried to find from losing Frick is finding my voice again. I have a strong sense that it’s okay to say how I feel right now. I have often worried in the past about offending someone, or saying the wrong thing, but that seems a lot less important at the moment. When I think about why I write, I know that the added bonus is that it helps others, but the primary reason is so that I might keep my sanity. Here, I can do both.
This week in particular, sanity has been hard to find. Wednesday was probably the worst day I’ve had since we came home from the service. I couldn’t bring myself to go to the gym, because I didn’t want to face people. So, I decided to run at home, which set in motion a waterfall of emotion that nearly swept me away. I cried for hours that day, letting myself feel the gravity of never being with my son again. Our family is making plans, not because we want to, but because we need to so that we don’t become stuck in our grief. But those plans mean that we are somehow accepting this nightmare. I gave up around 8:00 p.m. that night and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, my eyes were red and puffy. I was stuffed up. I had a raging headache. But it was a new day.
I thought about finding the good. Wednesday, there was no good to be found. But yesterday was better. Hopefully today will be, too. Despite the sadness of the last two weeks, here are some good things I have found along the way.
A Family Hike. I have put it off for two months because it’s something we did together with Noah. Getting me to go was like uprooting a spruce. I knew it would be hard to put one foot in front of the other, doing one of the only things that we could get Noah to do with us as he got older. He was stubborn like his Ma. I was sad as we hiked. We all were. But we did it anyway and felt better after. Another bandaid ripped off.
Number One with Onions. Everyone has a weakness. This is mine. I once saw a Pinterest pin that said, “Don’t reward yourself with food. You’re not a dog.” While I can appreciate the sentiment 95 percent of the time, clearly the author has never tasted In-n-Out. I went seven YEARS without regular access to this place, which is probably good for my back end, but horrible for my soul.
A Road Trip with my Boo. The hubs and I took a time out to attend a marriage retreat in central Oregon this past weekend. The drive was beautiful and it felt good to focus on other important aspects of our lives—each other. Of course we talked about Noah. Of course we were sad. But we were able to laugh a little, and enjoy the change of scenery and the break from the Sacramento heat.
I hope that your day brings you a chance to find the good, whatever it may be. Please share it with us! We need all the good karma we can get.