I learned a little tidbit today in Frack’s counseling session, which I of course came home and researched—because that’s what I do:
“Dependence on rationalization as a defense mechanism allows us to intellectualize the process and avoid experiencing the pain that helps us heal.”
I can rationalize the heck out of what has happened:
- He was not in any pain
- He is not incapacitated
- We made the right decision
- He is in a better place
All of those things are “rational” in my book.
We rationalize because it’s easier than facing the truth. Noah is gone. He has left us and is never coming back–not in the form that we know him, anyway. That, my friends, is just too much to take. I wish there was a magic wand that would give me the courage to face this reality, that my precious boy is just gone. But I can’t bring myself to face it. I can’t even say out loud what happened to him. How on earth is this our life? Why did this happen? What is it that we are to make of this tragedy? What is the purpose behind my first-born child leaving this earth? I don’t understand it. I can’t fathom that there is a reason this happened that can justify the pain that our entire family must go through to somehow come out the other side “okay.”
So tonight is my night to be a little “irrational” and say this is bullshit. I want my old life back.
P.S., I’m okay. I promise. Just having a bad night.